My bridal shower was last weekend. The venue was gorgeous, and the theme was “tea party.” I am immensely grateful for all the effort the ladies in my family put into this day: the food set up, hand-picked and hand-dipped chocolate strawberries, teapots with flowers as centerpieces, teacups and floral plates at every seat, Michael Bublé playlist in the background.
It wasn’t until I saw my name on a list of my mom’s a few days before as “Guest of Honor” that I felt the social pressure of the day on my shoulders. I’d have to be locked and loaded with smiles and chit chat all day. However, I chose to push those thoughts aside and keep a positive mindset for the sake of enjoying something that was meant to be enjoyed by me. After all, how many times in life do we get parties thrown just for us? You could say I pushed aside my introvertedness and let my extrovertedness shine.
The other day, I said to my friend that I feel like I’m on the cusp of being an introvert and an extrovert; I’m an introvert with extroverted tendencies. College was the thing that helped me finally start to overcome the fear of being judged in order to act on some of the outgoing things I enjoy — like dancing at bars, or even in the park. Dancing whenever there’s music, because that makes me happy and makes me feel like myself.
As my friend and I had also been talking about Zodiac signs, I suddenly had an epiphany: what if the reason I feel on the cusp of two polar opposites is because I’m literally on the cusp of Cancer and Leo — July 23? I call myself a Leo, but occasionally someone will insist I make the Cancer cut. Is Leo more likely to be the extroverted, daring sign, while Cancer is more likely to be the introverted, cautious sign?
At the shower, meandering out of one conversation to get a quick drink before joining the next, I ran into my fourteen-year-old cousin and said, “One day, this will all be for you.” She said, “Oh gosh, I don’t want to get married.” “I know,” I said, understanding because it wasn’t too long ago that attention and socializing felt that daunting to me. That’s not to say it’s easy going through all the motions now, but it’s possible, if I just trick myself into enjoying it and basically play pretend. The “motions” used to be 100% draining, though. I’d dread family gatherings and usually wouldn’t speak unless spoken to, then I’d go over what I said and kick myself for leaving something out that would’ve been interesting or for saying something “dumb” or in a “dumb” way. This was likely an avoidant personality disorder more than sole introvertedness, and I’ll touch on this more later.
Now, though I still sometimes dread social attention, I’ve found a happy middle between draining and enjoyable. As long as it’s positive attention, I don’t mind it so much.
The After-Anxiety
However well I perform in social situations, it’s the aftermath that I dread the most. The negative, self-deprecating thoughts that came after my bridal shower were overwhelming. The “I should’ve”s and the “I shouldn’t have”s. I shouldn’t have put that answer down for the “Who Knows the Bride” game. I should’ve floated around to more tables. I should’ve had other people sit at my table — what if the friends I didn’t sit with think I’m favoring the friends I did sit with? I should’ve talked louder. I shouldn’t have teared up when I opened my grandma’s engagement ring that I already knew she would give me (and the music really should not have happened to pause at that very moment). I should’ve done better! I should’ve been perfect!
Whew! I exhaust myself.
Clearly, these thoughts are invasive and unhealthy, and unfortunately, they result from my people-pleasing tendencies. In order to breathe again, I told myself this: the people who love me for who I am would not hold a judgement against me for anything I might’ve said or done. They would empathize with me and understand what a chaotic day a bridal shower is for a socially-anxious bride-to-be.
Introverts and Risk-Avoidance
What I’m wondering is this: after all the anxiety is said and done, can introverts actually crave attention?
The answer is yes, and not just for those of us with cusp birthdays.
For primarily introverted people, the fear of rejection and judgment (in my case, “saying the wrong thing”) is heightened, often resulting in keeping our mouths closed and arms tucked in social situations. We’d rather be seen as introverted or “shy” than say or do “the wrong things.”
Extroverts surely have the same fears—except they are just over one side of the hill while introverts are just over the other side. Their outgoingness may be an attempt to mask their social anxiety, as explained in the 2022 article from Straight Talk Counseling, “Independent or Avoidant? 5 Signs You May Have Avoidant Personality Disorder”:
Some extroverts portray social behavior as a defense mechanism to hide their anxiety from others.
Introverts crave positive attention while fearing negative attention and judgement to a degree that encourages them to avoid attention at all, avoiding the risk of a perceived negative outcome.
However, when introversion or anxiety becomes so debilitating that it affects a person’s quality of life, it may indicate a disorder. Check out the article called “Avoidant Personality Disorder Vs. Introversion: Is There A Difference?” from Avalon Malibu for a quick explanation of what differentiates avoidant personality disorder from introversion.
Uncaging the Spirit
Or maybe, it’s not attention that introverts seek. After all, I’m not dancing for attention when I get up and bust a move in a bar, at a wedding, or in a park. In fact, I’m not thinking about anyone but myself in those moments.
Maybe what introverts crave is a state of mind in which they can completely let go and embrace a free spirit that is so rare to come by that some believe it doesn’t exist at all. (Remember the joke that for an introverted personality, an alcoholic beverage or two doesn’t “loosen us up,” it simply turns us into a “normal” social being?)
Maybe what introverts crave is that feeling of unapologetically getting out there, keeping our heads forward, not looking back and not needing to look back to see how the world interprets us.
