In March of 2022, my boyfriend popped the question. In the weeks after that, I walked on air; I was ecstatic about life. Queue “Break My Stride” by Matthew Wilder. Nothing could bring me down, because I had this big, gorgeous, white gold band and oval diamond on my finger, and I was engaged!!
I loved the attention, seeing faces light up when we told people the news, talking about plans… for the first month or so. Then I started to realize that the largest conversation piece of many interactions I would have between then and the wedding was the wedding. It was the hippopotamus in the room, and people wanted an update whether I had one or not, let alone wanted to talk about it.
If you are also recently engaged, one thing you can expect is this:
The nice people will express interest in all your ideas to avoid offending you. The sort-of-nice people will offer their two cents on weddings and make too many assumptions regarding yours. The not-so-nice ones will lend their two cents on weddings in general and yours in particular, and let me tell you, most of the time it won’t be worth two cents.
Below are three typically unaddressed reasons why wedding planning is a roller coaster ride — think roller coaster from The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl — and my advice on how to alleviate some of the wedding-planning stress.
The People-Pleasing Dilemma
If you’re a people-pleasing, by-the-books person like me, you’ll find yourself desperately trying to do everything right. It’s an impossible task, because everyone has a different opinion about what a wedding should be. (And you know how some people are about their opinions—they’re like a bad case of the hiccups — can’t keep those darn things to themselves!)
There’s no singular way to execute a wedding. This is good in a way, because we aren’t totally confined by tradition, but on the other hand, it makes it that much harder to figure out what the “right” way of doing things is.
Here are just a few criticisms I’ve been so blessed to hear:
Nina! You’ve got to get married in a church!
Where’s your ceremony? The courthouse? So you’re not having a ceremony. It’s the day before the reception? And you’re inviting us parents and your brother to that? You know, your grandparents would like to be there as well, and I think you should consider how big of a role they played in your life, and how you could show them that they’re special, I mean it’s very special to still have all four…
There’s nothing on that caterer’s menu that I would like… Weddings are about the guests.”
No! No. Nina, you don’t understand the way the world works, how women in this world… you can’t invite a woman and not give her a plus one for her husband.
Granted, those comments were the minority, but unfortunately, they stuck and stung. However, they did take away some of my people-pleasing tendencies, because I sure as hell don’t feel like pleasing those people. (Words can hurt!)
At the end of the day, even if you do everything as traditionally as possible, there’s still going to be a handful of hypercritical grumps that think you’re a wild child for wearing dangly earrings or four-inch heels and can’t believe your mother would be okay with a non-Catholic wedding.
The Doubt Downpour
Raise your hand if you feel that commitment is tough! Committing to your knitting project, earning your degree, performing your job, your budget, seeing your friends enough, etc. My hand is raised.
The three doors that doubt crept in through around six months until the wedding are as follows (“and I quote: stink. Stank. Stunk!” Sorry — couldn’t resist a Grinch reference):
- Age — I worried about committing so young (22) to one person for the rest of my life. In a way, it has nothing to do with the person — I know who I’m marrying is (as) objectively (as possible) a great guy. I made sure to pay attention to how close friends and family felt about him just in case I was too mooned over him to notice red flags. The doubt mostly has to do with all those years ahead in which we could change, and the fear of growing apart instead of together.
- The High School Sweetheart Stereotype — He’s not my high school sweetheart, because we started going out the summer after I graduated high school and he was three years ahead of me and in college. However, I’m his first serious relationship, and he’s my first everything. Like everything, unless you count the boy I held sweaty hands with for one minute and thirty-six seconds in fourth grade while the teacher read Holes by Louis Sachar. Naturally, I worried because I have no other romantic relationships to have learned from to apply to this one. Of course, I’m lucky as hell to have avoided the horror-story relationship — romantic relationship, that is (we tend to forget people don’t actually have it all once they have it good in one aspect of life that we yearn for goodness in).
- Divorced parents — As obvious as it sounds, the fact that my parents have been divorced since I was nine is probably subconsciously raising some doubts and fears in me about marital commitment. Even as I was in the first year of dating my fiancé, I thought if we did get married, I’d still want separate bank accounts in case I needed to make a run for it one day. Yes, the idea that marriage is the ultimate union, with the utmost trust, etc. etc., is beautiful and idealistic, but the idea that if things go south in any situation, then you should have an escape route ready, is just as important an idea — it’s human nature.
The Money Monster
Can we also talk about the piece of wedding advice that I’ve found to ring of truth the most? That is–planning your own wedding is like a full-time job. Did you catch that? One more time for the people in the back: Planning your own wedding is like a full-time job. A full-time job that you lose money from and manage while you are also (more often than not) working another full-time job that pays for this job’s massive costs.
Is your head spinning, too?
Weddings force onto us the unrealistic but socially expected role of taking on another full-time job.
Working your behind off to lose money? Working nights and early mornings and weekends to plan a big party that you will pay for with the money from your day job? Shoving thoughts of a down payment on a house or a car with functioning breaks aside to throw a party that’s above your pay grade? Counterintuitive, one might say. Less than ideal. Almost… irresponsible.
You might rather focus your time on other things — hobbies, working longer hours, your health, finding a job that’s a better fit for you, buying a house, taking care of loved ones, etc. Especially if you just got out of college and are excited to get out into the world and begin what will be the majority of your life, not to mention adjusting to the start of a career.
When other people I knew were getting engaged one weekend and settling the caterer and photographer the next, I felt like I was doing something wrong or missing something. Really, there were plenty of nice vendors I found with a simple Google search, but I just couldn’t justify spending $50 a plate. It’s like when you wonder why everyone around you has a significant other but you — standards, baby. Boundaries. Limits.
When you’re planning on a budget, it’s not always as easy as looking up “best photographers in the area” and crossing your fingers that they have your date available. It’s hard enough planning a wedding, but the stricter the budget, the harder it gets. I applaud all the event planners out there!
Let’s play a little game. Let’s pretend we’re on LinkedIn, Glass Door, or whatever your job search site of choice is. We come across this job posting, called “Wedding Planner for Yours Truly.” We quickly click on it, because we think, what is this, a collab between Tinder and LinkedIn? We read:
Description:
Roles include: liaise with vendors via phone calls and emails. Listen intently to others as they provide their uninvited advice and opinions. Work closely with Fiancé, but initiate all subject matter and tasks with Fiancé, who may then also require frequent reminders to complete tasks.
Requirements:
- Must remain calm and composed around vendors and apologize to Fiancé after snapping at them.
- Must have a strong understanding that the Wedding Day is not actually about you.
- Must be able to handle insults, either direct or implied, with composure to avoid family feuding.
- Must be prepared to take on roles of Fiancé, including but not limited to: tasks Fiancé was assigned but procrastinates or ignores too much for your anxiety to handle.
- Must work nights and weekends.
Compensation:
- Caffeine addiction
- Negative $10K down the hatch at minimum
- Stress headaches and/or bellyaches
Physical Requirements:
- Must be able to function on several hours of sleep and copious amounts of stress and self-doubt.
- Must be able to sustain a healthy body image and say no to diet culture.
- Must “say yes to the dress.”
Benefits:
- Completely up to chance: a mom who is your saving grace and just as meticulous and anxious a planner as you are.
- Fainting spells from large amounts of caffeine not compensated.
- Vision of what you want exactly is optional, but good luck finding that pair of glasses.
This is otherwise known as the Job Offer You Accept When You Say Yes. Take a deep breath — and exhale all the tightness from reading that. It’s not that bad. I exaggerated for dramatic effect. Really, a year of wedding planning alongside a full-time job is easier than a year of college. Perspective.
We Should All Be Single or Elope, Right?
Of course not!
There are ways to address and reduce wedding-planning stress. Here are a few methods and mindsets I’ve found work for me regarding the three areas discussed:
You’re Not the Selfish One, Here
The piece of advice that I’m not going to give is this: Stop worrying about what other people think.
That’s unrealistic. Of course you seek the approval of your loved ones and people who are involved in your life. If you’re like me and a chronic worrier, you can’t simply wave a magic wedding wand and poof! your people-pleasing tendencies out of your personality.
Do, however, remember that if people choose to be directly critical about your wedding plans, it is never their right to treat you poorly or talk down to you, and one wedding cannot fit every expectation of every wedding-goer.
If someone important in your life, like a parent, is hypercritical, remember that they are the ones who should be the most supportive of your decisions. They have a right to their opinions and even a right to disapprove of your decisions, but they do not have a right to harshly criticize, blatantly attempt to control you, or lash out when you set boundaries and say “no.”
On that note, here is my one big piece of advice for all the engaged people-pleasers out there. Ready?
- Don’t doubt your own kindness and consideration! Unless you are deciding something with malicious intent, you are doing just fine! You do not need to change anything. If you start catering to other people’s demands, you’ll chip away at your own desires and one day wake up and realize that nothing about your wedding is what you wanted. You and your fiancé deserve to make the decisions you two want for your wedding.
It’s okay to set boundaries if you feel someone is being too demanding or disparaging. They are lucky to be involved in your special day, and you are kind and considerate in involving them and listening to their suggestions. You don’t deserve to feel bad about yourself or the decisions you and your fiancé have made by anyone.
Tell Doubt to “Walk Out the Door, Just Turn Around Now”
It’s okay to have doubts. It’s human nature. Here are some basic examples of the doubtful human thought process:
Am I sure this is the right plant I saw bro eating the other day, or will it be the last one I eat?
That animal was aggressive towards me, I’m going to avoid it now, but also create a weapon to defend myself against it later.
Members of my own species have hurt me before, am I sure I want to trust another so completely as to bind myself to them as partner for life?
Check out the article called “How to Cope With Uncertainty in Your Relationship” by Joyce Chen that does a great job of explaining why feeling uncertainty in a relationship is normal and how to address the uncertainty.
Positive Self-Talk in Your Wedding “Career”
You are qualified for the job! You are going to be a superstar! You are getting very sleepy, so take a day off, get some rest, because —
It. Can. Wait! Procrastinating is, to a point, good for you. All the nights after my nine-to-five in October and November that I spent stressing about a photographer, I could’ve been happily watching Ozark with my fiancé and munching on peanut-butter-filled pretzels. If only I had known my mom would help me find the perfect photographer — flexible, professional, and affordable — in April. April! Four months out from the wedding.
But we can’t know the future, and that’s anxiety, baby.
Since I can’t look back and tell myself from last summer to worry a little less about having everything done so early, I’m going to tell you — it’s okay if you have to tell someone in every small-talk chat for a year that you don’t have anything else figured out, and no, it isn’t all coming together yet. Because it will! And if it doesn’t, someone will step in and help you — or, it’s okay to ask for help, too.
We’ll Get Through This, Right?
Right! I believe we will! Will you believe with me, too? (Dora the Explorer: Wedding Edition)
Hopefully, I didn’t send you running as far away from the altar (so to speak) as possible. I wanted to dig a little deeper into why they say wedding planning is stressful. The planning aspect can easily rob you of the initial engagement excitement, maybe even prompt you to question if it will be worth it or why anyone does anything but elope.
I’ll have to get back to you on this, as my date is set for August 2023, but I have a feeling I’ll be glad to see my friends and fam there to celebrate us for a day. And that it’ll be epic (queue the Avengers soundtrack).
82 days to go — wish me luck!
